Dark and Uninhibited

Too damn tired and too damn thin to start giving a damn

I’m gonna link you some things, read them, if you’re a parent in need and wondering if you’re a monster for going batty every time your babe cries:

https://sittingonthebaby.com/2012/04/21/when-a-crying-baby-makes-you-so-angry-you-might-hurt-them/

Don’t Feel Bad When Your Crying Baby Makes You Crazy

Alright, now that that’s out of the way, truth time:

I’m a parent, and sometimes it drives me fucking crazy.

First and foremost, I love my lil’en…

But that’s not the point. Love ’em, though I may, my lil’en drives me so fucking crazy sometimes I honestly have the split second thought about throwing them off the balcony.

 

Sick I know. And I don’t do it, I know it’s wrong and deep down, I don’t wanna hurt my babe, it isn’t about that, what it’s about is the anger, and not enough people talk about it. Being a parent means you’re going to be fucking angry some times, more than that, you’re going to feel murderous… because like the article says, a baby’s cry is meant to affect you, meant to make your heart race, meant to make you pissed in fact.

So sue me, I’ve wanted to hurt my babe when the crying starts. No, I’m not proud, and you know what? Occasionally, I’ve been rough, picked ’em up rough, actually held my hand over their mouth to dampen the sound of the screaming.

 

Is this good, is this healthy? Fuck no. You know what’s worse? Thinking that you’re not allowed to get mad… thinking that it’s not okay that your babe cry once in a while.

Truth talking- your kid is gonna hate you at some point, but take it from a kid that had a fuckin monster as a mum… she abused me, hit me, threw things at me, fucked with my head, is a total head case… and you know what? I still love the crazy bitch. You know what that taught me? Your kid is gonna love you, even if you are a monster.

 

Now, I don’t wanna be a monster, I wanna do my damnedest to not turn in to the creature scratching at me just under the skin, but the truth is I was abused, I got fucked up, sexually exposed, neglected, and all kinds of “oh shit that’s wrong” from the time I existed. Well, it does shit to you, and yeah, I deal with every day turning into the nightmare my parent’s put me through. But it is what it is, c’est la vie… I’m going to make my lil’en angry, they’re gonna hate me at one point at another.

 

But I am going to love them no matter what, and I’m not going to turn into the monster that is right under my skin, because I’m better than that, and the young me, the little me that I see inside my child, they deserve better.

 

I’m going to fuck up. I’m going to deviate from my promise, but I’ll keep doing my damnedest to get back on track.

 

End rant. No point to tie it all in a bow, just thoughts rambling out. Hope it means something to some of you.

 

Bon apetite.

-Darkwood.

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